Ambition {It's a pretty sexy thing}

Ever since I can remember I have been told I am an intimidating person. I always thought that was the most absurd statement ever.

Me? Intimidating? Are you joking?

5th grade Orchestra Concert

For those of you who haven't known me long let me explain something about my "development". I hit 5'4" when I was 10 years old. I weighed well over 100 pounds then too. In the fifth grade. I towered over people then, but after a few years, I stayed the same and everyone else got way taller. Now, wherever I go I am the runt! Besides gaining quite a bit of meat on my bones I basically haven't changed since the fifth grade (i.e. no boobs, ever). So, as an adult that is pretty average sized and could even be considered small, hearing that I was intimidating seemed pretty dumb. Yet, people used that excuse as an explanation as to why I didn't date or why I didn't just easily make friends right off the bat. I never understood it and whenever someone would use it I would get angry. Literally seeing red, steaming out of my ears, angry. I'm sure people had the best intentions when trying to give me this excuse but I hated it with every part of me.

5th grade field trip to California

I thought about it all the time. Why was I intimidating? How could I become less intimidating? I struggled with this for a while because I really thought it was the way I looked. I didn't ever consider myself pretty or all that desirable growing up (but we will save those issues for another post) so I convinced myself that "intimidating" meant I looked mean or unattractive, like all the time.

Until one day I figured out what intimidating really meant.

I didn't look mean (though I do have a serious case of RBF) and I didn't scare people. Intimidating (or at least how I now interpret it) meant that I live in a way that is bigger than other people are used to. I have hopes and dreams that outweigh regular priorities. Basically, I know what I want with my life and I'm not afraid to go after it with everything I have.

My dreams, though they do include them, don't stop at a husband and a family. I want to be educated in my field of choice through a masters and eventually a PhD. I want to have a career while having a family and I want someone that will support me in all of this. I have always wanted this and I have always worked hard towards these goals, without stopping.

I am ambitious. and I won't apologize for that in any way shape or form. I don't care that my life isn't like an average 21 year old girls life. I'm not sorry that I'm not married yet or even dating anyone. I absolutely will not apologize for having a successful life on my own and I will not lower myself to make other people comfortable.

I hope that one day when I am raising my daughters, they will know that it is okay to be this way, that it is okay to have dreams and goals that are larger than life and that they will have enough confidence in themselves to carry out those plans no matter who tells them that they can't. I am grateful that I have gained this confidence despite my doubts and insecurities early on in my life. Confidence and self worth are such an important, if not the most important, things to teach girls {and boys} when they are young. I have been blessed with the knowledge of exactly who I am and what I am capable of in this life and I love myself now more than ever as I have started to really become the person I always knew I was capable of being.

I am 21 years old. In 16 months I will graduate with a double bachelors of science in psychology and social work. I am a 2 time national champion cheerleading coach. I have a career that I love. I've had my heart broken and I survived. And I know exactly who I am and what I want from my life.

I am ambitious, and if you don't think that is sexy as hell, you can leave.

Love,

Bless Puberty

6th Grade (???)

The Cat Lady




















!!!SIDE NOTE!!! Check out my brothers new project, Midpoint Lifestyle , It is seriously going to be such a cool movement. Stay tuned for stories from other awesome people and of course my own take on the Midpoint Lifestyle! (I will let you know when I am featured)

Important Decisions {and my move to Utah}

In life there are many decisions we face. Everything we do starts out as a decision we have to make. When we wake up we have to decide what kind of day we are going to have; are we going to go to class on time? are we going to go to class at all? The decisions we make everyday, though small, lead up to the big decisions. Am I going to finish school? Should I take that new job? Am I living my life the very best I can?

Recently, I have been faced with some of the biggest decisions of my life. Most of you probably know (wait... does anyone even read this really?) but for those who don't, I moved to Utah August 15th! This was obviously a very big change that affected every aspect of my life and it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. Lately I've been reflecting on how this decision all came to be and how just the act of making the decision has made such a huge impact on my life. So, if you're interested I would like to share {parts} of my story and what I have learned from it.

Side Note: this post will have a lot of information about how my Heavenly Father impacted this choice and the ways he has helped me through it all. If you have any questions about my faith and the guiding power and courage it has given me, please just ask! Or, visit Mormon.org

About a year ago I moved back to Mesa after staying the summer at my parents house to save up some money for a new car. I moved in with my Great Grandmother, she lived nearby a friend of mine so I decided to go to this friends YSA ward rather than the actual ward I was in, so that I would have at least one friend to get me up and running in this new area (I know, so scandalous!). This was decision 1, and this decision proved to be one of the best ones I have ever made. I quickly became friends with some of the very best people in the world. Highgroves Ward was one of the biggest blessings in my life EVER. For the first time in a long time I felt excited to go to church every week, I earnestly wanted to fulfill my calling 100% and I felt that the Gospel was once again making me unbelievably happy. In this environment I flourished. I made lifelong friends, I fell in love, and I found myself. I became unexplainably happy and it showed in all aspects of my life. I never got any sleep but it was always worth it. Some of the very best memories of my life are with those amazing people in Mesa, and I will forever be grateful for that time in my life. However, around this time I got very very sick. Every morning I woke up insanely nauseous. I couldn't eat anything, I puked non-stop and I had no idea what was wrong with me. I lost around 20 pounds and I was scared out of my mind. Some days were better than others, but I had no control over it. I couldn't figure out what was causing it and no matter what I tried I still felt awful every day. One day I woke up and it was at it's absolute worst, I laid in bed crying and dry heaving and I told myself that I couldn't do it anymore. I was going to drop out of school that day because I just couldn't get myself to get up and pretend that I wasn't sick another day. I was convinced that that was my only option. Then, I made a decision.

Decision 2 was to, instead of dropping out of school, get up and just go {again}. "Fake it till I make it" one more time. I knew my brother was on campus that day so I asked him to meet me at the institute building and give me a priesthood blessing. He of course said yes, and gave me one assisted by one of our institute instructors. I have had a lot of priesthood blessings but this one was one of the most important blessings I had ever received. I hadn't asked for any help from my Heavenly Father in regards to this sickness I was experiencing before this blessing. I cried harder than I had in a long time throughout the blessing and continued to cry while Vance hugged me in the hallway of the MCC institute building after it was over. After that blessing I felt renewed and felt a closeness to my Heavenly Father that I hadn't felt in awhile, though I was active in the Gospel. It didn't automatically heal me, but it did renew my resilience and strengthened me so that I could push through it. I still wake up sometimes sick but after that blessing I started to feel much better. Finding this closeness with My Heavenly Father helped lead me to my next decision.

Decision 3 started out as a very faint feeling and turned into the biggest decision I have ever made. Yes, you guessed it, this was the decision to move to Utah. It started out as a small feeling. I had never entertained the thought of moving out of Arizona because I was so in love with my life there. However, when the thought first creeped into my mind I couldn't get it out. I obsessed over the thought for a few days before I said anything to anyone, but it was so undeniably evident to me that this might be a great idea. I couldn't pin why it felt so right but for some reason it did. The first person I told was my mom. I think I texted her way casual like "hey, I'm thinking about moving to Utah to go to UVU". She, after the initial surprise and shock, of course, was so supportive of the idea and shot down every doubt I had in my mind. Next, I talked to my boss (and BFF) Brandis Farrelly. When I went into her office that day a part of me was kind of hoping she would talk me out of it. I sort of wanted her to tell me that she thought it was a bad idea or that she needed me to stay (how cocky, right?). Even though I knew that the Lord was telling me it was a good idea. But instead she smiled, nodded her head, and said "I've been waiting for you to finally decide to go, and I think it is a great idea". I was FLOORED. We cried for a little sitting in her office and then I made her promise she wouldn't tell anyone. After that day I began to train for my tryout for the UVU cheer squad. This was probably around the beginning of January. The next few months were good. I told all of my co-workers that I just wanted to get into shape and that's why I was coming early everyday to tumble and why I was conditioning with my athletes every night. I was happy and continued to enjoy my life in Mesa. I did go through losing a relationship that meant the world to me, and though this was one of the most discouraging things that could've possibly happened, I instead let it encourage me to stay super busy and work harder than I ever have before. Training for my tryout was a great distraction and so, though I was hurting, I was able to push through it. My tryout was the week after nationals and so the week leading up to nationals Brandis and I made the announcement to the staff (not the athletes) at AZ Fusion. They were sad but so excited for me.

The night before we left for nationals I was home alone packing for both nationals and my tryout (since I would only be home 24 hours before leaving for Utah). All of a sudden everything in me felt like it didn't work anymore. I froze in my bedroom staring at my bags. I began to shake and then fell to my knees. I was having the biggest panic attack I had ever experienced. I remember feeling like I couldn't breath. I was crying and screaming (thank goodness I was alone) and I couldn't get myself to calm down. Somehow I managed to call my mom and put her on speaker phone, she was able to calm me down but the panic attack caused me to question everything. I decided I would finish packing in the morning and crawled into my bed. I laid there sobbing, wondering if my decision was still a good one. If it was, why was I so scared, so panicked? Eventually I fell asleep, but in the middle of the night I woke up with a clear thought in my head; "no matter what happens, you're going to UVU". It was the clearest prompting from the spirit of the Lord I had ever had. After that I slept through the rest of the night peacefully. When I woke up to leave the next day I was still very shaken up but I was able to go to nationals and enjoy every minute. I still hadn't told my athletes that I was leaving so we were able to just enjoy nationals like normal. We returned home Sunday evening, I worked Monday evening, we celebrated my roommate/bestie Kaitlyns birthday that night and I was all set to leave Tuesday morning.

Something I learned about making big decisions: SATAN DOES NOT WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO THE LORD.

That morning we had some of the worst luck ever. We were off to a very late start already when I received a heartbreaking phone call from my best friend. I sat on the curb talking to her for awhile delaying our departure even more. My mom and I talked about what had happened with her and cried together in the car, it was the worst start to one of the biggest trips I had ever made. Later, while we were on the freeway the tire on our car blew. Like completely shredded. Note: WE HADN'T EVEN GOTTEN OUT OF PHOENIX YET. And to make things worse, I was the one driving (I hate driving and this had never happened to me before). So, we backed up ON THE FREEWAY to get on to the off ramp and then chugged (barely) to the nearest big o tires. An hour later and a brand new tire we were back on the road. Everything went well the rest of the trip, (except my mom had to take quite a few potty breaks, love you mom!). But, as we pulled into Orem (around 1am), it started to SNOW. Yes, that's right. We left Arizona at 8am and it was 100 degrees already and we got to Orem and it was snowing. We were obviously not prepared but the next day, in our flip flops, we made our way to UVU for day 1 of tryouts.

This is where the story gets sad for a little bit. So, I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. My tryout was so awesome! I felt so confident and felt like I couldn't have done any better. However, on day 2 (the actual tryout) I was cut in the first round. WHAT?! I know, crazy. I don't know if I completely over estimated how I did and I am actually way not good or what but I walked out of there so defeated. I went straight to the bathroom and cried in a stall so no one would see me. I didn't know why this was happening to me and I didn't want to wrap my brain around it. I LOVE cheerleading, and for the last 6 years that is all I have done. So uh, what now? Am I being punked? Hold up rewind... WHAT??? However, that same thought that I had a few days earlier came back to me while I sat in the front of the school waiting for my mom to come pick me up, "no matter what happens, you're going to UVU." I sat there silently thinking about it. Why was I supposed to go through all of the hard work and preparation, just to be shut down in the first round of tryouts? I was angry, but I kept reminding myself to have a good attitude and not let it show how angry I was. I remember my mom talking to someone on the phone later that night about how I hadn't made the squad, and she said "yeah, she doesn't even care, I don't think she's even that sad". So apparently, I had done a pretty good job. I did however, tell her that I was in fact sad and very angry but that I was trying really hard not to be.

I returned home the next day and resumed work at AZ Fusion Cheer. I was set to work for the rest of the summer and most of August, and then head up to Utah August 15th. I am so unbelievably grateful for the summer I had and that I was able to continue to coach such amazing athletes at the most amazing gym in Arizona. Without the love and support of my co-workers, my boss, my athletes, and the parents of my athletes, along with my friends and family, I wouldn't have had the strength to leave Arizona. The Lord put me in the exact right place at the exact right time in the fall of 2011 when I showed up for my first open gym. And his promptings that led to me trying out in 2012 led my life in the best direction and blessed me in indescribable ways.

And now, we are reaching the end of my story. On August 15th, 2015 I moved to Orem, Utah to attend UVU. I have been here for 79 days now, and despite being homesick every once in awhile, being unbelievably poor, and getting sick numerous times, I am absolutely the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Everyday I wake up for my 4:30am custodial job and I'm not mad about it. I go to school all day, and then I get to coach cheer every night. By the time I get back into bed it has been an 18-19 hour day, and I know that I will have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. And I am so happy to do it. Life is so good if we just embrace every moment and find all of the best things in it.

My freshman year of college in an institute class at Chandler-Gilbert Community College (Go Coyotes!) My instructor was talking about how we needed to not only listen to the promptings of the spirit or the teachings of the gospel but that we need to allow the messages to enter into our hearts. This struck a chord with me, because it made me aware of my responsibility to open my heart and receive what the Lord was trying to tell me. I am so grateful that I learned this principle so long ago, because the Lord obviously had big plans for me and since I allowed them to enter into my heart, I was able to fully follow him and understand how these plans would bless me.

I am so eternally grateful for the love, support, and guidance my parents have offered me throughout not only this journey but also throughout my entire life. I have been so blessed to be raised in the family I was and I hope one day I can be half the person my parents are.

I know I say this every time I write, and maybe this time I really will, but I am going to write more!! I will I swear. And I will keep you all updated on this crazy life of mine.

TaTa for now,

Love,
The Cat Lady

Also, here is a fun throwback pic for you, from over a year ago. My first shoot with Kammie Maschue!

Please think before you ask.

My whole life I have been LDS, I love my religion and have embraced it my entire life with a love and passion. I have not ever felt like I had to lower my standards for people in order to be their friends. I absolutely feel safe and loved in my religion and love being who I am and standing for what I stand for. I would not trade it for the world. This post is not in any way a negative view on my church or what I believe in. If you have any questions about the LDS church please do not hesitate to ask, or you can simply go to www.mormon.org

With that said, I want to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

My whole life I have heard the jokes about Mormons being married young. When I was about to finish high school instead of talking about college with adults I knew I was always just told "oh you'll be married right away". Hardy har har I get it. Getting married early is just what everyone expects us to do right??

WELL. Guess who did not get married yet? Me. I know I talked about it in an earlier post but this expectation to be married right away led me to into a very bad place. I was so destroyed by the fact that I wasn't dating or married or anything right away. It made me feel inadequate and it made me feel like I was not doing what I was supposed to do. Like I was failing.

I ALREADY FELT BAD ABOUT MYSELF.

I AM FULLY AWARE OF THE FACT THAT I WAS NOT MARRIED.

Now lets add on another point of controversy; I am not on a mission nor am I planning on serving a mission. This has nothing to do with me not being worthy of serving a mission or attending the temple. It is a personal decision that I made long before the age change. I have never planned on serving a mission. It has never been something that I felt like I needed to do. It just isn't what I am meant to do right now in my life.

My whole life I have worked hard at school, I have gotten good grades and I have tried to be a good student. I graduated high school a semester early and without hesitation jumped right into college. I have always planned to go to college. Even when I was really young I wanted to go to college. In elementary school I did research on colleges because I wanted to be a fashion designer so I told everyone I was going to school for fashion merchandising (???). And though that isn't my chosen degree path now I am still constantly reaffirmed in my dedication to going to school to earn my degree. I already had this plan long before the age change of sister missionaries. This isn't something I made up along the way or something I am just doing on a whim or because my parents are forcing me to. And it is absolutely not just an excuse I am using to avoid a mission. And lets get another thing clear, I don't actually even like school. But I do understand how important it is to earn a degree and how important it is to do well in school while striving for that degree. This has always been my plan and marriage was just something that I planned on tackling while attending college. My plan was set long before I was old enough to carry it out because that is just who I am and that is how I have always approached my goals.

This resolve for an education coupled with the independence and stubbornness that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with has made for a very interesting young adult life so far.

Everyone is different, every person has their own plan for their life that they have aligned with what they feel is the plan that Heavenly Father has set for them. I feel confident in my choices that I have made for my myself, I do not feel that I am doing the wrong thing by not getting married yet and I don't think that I'm not married yet because I'm "not trying hard enough". I think that right now the Lord is preparing me and that when I am ready I will get married. I also don't think that I was wrong in the decision I made to stay home and not serve a mission, I think missions are fantastic. I have seen people become great and powerful by serving a mission and I know that people who have served missions are blessed beyond belief for their service. But I also know that if a mission isn't the right choice for you, then you shouldn't be on a mission. And that the decision whether or not you are serving a mission should be between you and the Lord, and shouldn't be influenced or forced by anyone else. Simple as that.

I have seen so many people my age rush into making decisions on marriage or serving a mission only to realize they hadn't made the correct decision. This has caused unbelievable heartbreak for them in many cases. I have thoughtfully and prayerfully considered my decisions and I have counseled with the Lord many times to make sure I am always aligning my life with his plan. I have sought out counsel with my bishop and members of my bishopric and had great conversations with them. I have fasted for and received a confirmation about my decisions. I have studied my patriarchal blessing and my scriptures in order to understand more fully the life the Savior has planned for me. I have gained a great understanding of how fantastic that plan is and I am doing all that I can right now in order to be worthy of that plan as it unravels.

Now lets get back to the title of my rant: Please think before you ask.

On a regular basis I am asked about who I am dating. When I tell them I'm not dating anyone then the conversation automatically turns to WHY am I not dating (how am I supposed to answer that??) Then when that conversation gets nowhere I am asked if I am planning on serving a mission, to which I answer, a simple polite no. And then I am faced with some super fun remarks like, "So you aren't DOING ANYTHING then??"or "You're Just hanging out??" Yes. That is what I am doing. Just hanging out and not doing anything. I am just chillin', hanging around waiting for things to work themselves out for me, waiting for Mr. Right to just walk up and save me, ya know cause that's obviously what I meant when I said I wasn't dating anyone and wasn't going on a mission RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT. Because what else is there to do if I'm not doing these two things? What could possibly be meaningful in comparison to these 2 life events?

I know that people are just asking because they are curious and that, (in most cases) they don't mean to be rude or demeaning towards me. And they almost never mean to hurt my feelings or put me down. And I think that they don't even realize what these questions/assumptions do to peoples feelings. I don't mean to write this post to condemn the people that ask young Mormon girls (and boys too) these kinds of questions. Rather, I am writing this to help people understand where I stand and how I feel. I know a lot of people feel the exact same way about being asked these questions and I know it bothers them just as much as it bothers me. There are plenty of young people out there that are doing other worthy things to occupy their time as they prepare for the next step in their life. Whether that be marriage or a mission or something else.

It is perfectly okay to ask about what I am doing and what is going on with me, because I know my life is so interesting and you're just dying to know (kidding, obviously). BUT, Are you asking me these questions with the resolve to be supportive of my righteous decisions no matter what they may be? Are you truly interested in WHY I am doing what I am doing, or more interested in why I am NOT doing what the majority says I should be? We sometimes focus so much on what the majority is doing that we often forget that there are other paths that people can take that are just as righteous as the common or "expected" ones.

Please remember this.



Love,
The Cat Lady

 

Hodge Podge Post

I have been thinking of blog posts for a long time but I have so many running through my mind that I can't keep them all straight. Sigh. I sit down to try and start a post but something distracts me or I start thinking of another post that I want to write and can't make up my mind what to write. Then I get frustrated and give up on the whole thing. I am struggling to even get a coherent thought right now. I think it may just be an overdose on summer but I promise I will work on it.

For now I will just say that I am doing well and I am planning on writing a ton more this upcoming semester. My goal is one post a week (this one doesn't count so I will start with a real post on this Friday hopefully. The hardest step to take is the first one but I need to take it because I have so much to say lately.

I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you.
love,
the Cat Lady

Finding joy on the sad days.

Okay first of all I have to say that something really cool happened this week- I was at work at the gym working at the front desk when one of the cheer moms I know says "Marly I read your blog" and I was like WHAAAAAAAT omg I didn't think anyone did! So shoutout to you. Also, My best friend made a blog because she thought it was cool that I have been writing on my blog so much lately. So kudos guys.

Okay aside from that little tidbit lets talk about things that make us sad.

I'm joking, lets please NOTTTTT talk about that. Let me tell you about my week though which was full of sad things. Here is how my agenda ended up playing out.

Monday-
--Say goodbye to someone about to go on a mission.
-- Car breaks down
Tuesday-
--Get hit in the face at practice
Wednesday-
--wake up with huge black eye
--Find out car is gonna cost $500 to fix
--Run into a bed frame and cut the crap out of your ankle
Thursday-
--pay for car repair
--Late to work because the 60 was down to one lane RIGHT BY MY HOUSE.
Friday-
--Okay so today wasn't actually that bad it was pretty okay.

So the whole week one thing after another kept piling on top of me. I felt so out of it and so in a funk the whole week. I knew this week would be bad enough with my friend leaving on a mission but seriously???? Why was THIS the week that everything else had to happen??? I was upset, felt like I was in a funk and all of that put together made me miss my friend even more. BUT I MADE A DECISION!

I WILL NOT BE SAD. I WILL NOT LET EVENTS DICTATE HOW I FEEL.

So, I decided to find the little things that I had to be grateful for this week and instead of thinking about getting rid of the bad things I just focused on magnifying the good things.

1. I didn't get to sleep in my comfy bed, but on a mattress in my dads at home office.
BUT I got to hang out with my parents and siblings at their house for a few days and that was a blessing because I wasn't alone to be sad about my friend leaving. I had constant comfort all around me.
2. I didn't have a car to take me to school.
BUT Tina gave me a ride to school Thursday and we got to go out to breakfast and have a good conversation about everything which is something we haven't done in a long time. I love her and our conversations about life.
3. I got a black eye.
BUT I wasn't hurt, it was just an ugly mark that I didn't really care about that much. And I had the opportunity to look kind of tough.
4. I had to pay a load of cash for my car.
BUT I was able to feel more confident in my finances knowing I could take care of problems like this because I hadn't wasted my money on silly things and rather I saved it and kept it there for emergencies. (I feel really good about this one!)
5. I was late to work on Thursday.
BUT I had also left a little later than usual. If I would've left at the regular time I could've been the one in the accident that had caused the 60 to basically shut down. I was blessed to be far away when it happened.

I don't believe that things happen just to piss us off. As frustrated as I get about things I know that God believes in me enough to give me hard trials to remind me how much he believes in me. I love my Savior and the wonderful and mysterious ways he reminds me that he has got everything under control.

SO, next time you feel like the sky is just raining down on you, look for the happiness in the bad and the blessings in the sad.

Love, The Cat Lady

Here's my black eye from this week. I love it.

You can't always have your cake and eat it too. (and that's okay!)

When I was 12 I had the BigGGEEESssstttt crush on a boy, we "dated" (if it can even be called that at age 12-14), and then right before my freshman year we broke up. I was DISTRAUGHT, I was so convinced I was gonna marry him and that I would live happily ever after with this guy. But guess what! I didn't get what I wanted, what I thought would make me happy.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

Fast forward to the tail end of high school. I 1. didn't get into BYU and 2. Didn't get the job with UCA. All that I had wanted and planned for in 3 years of high school slipped through my fingers in an instant. Once again, I didn't get what I wanted, what I thought would make me happy.

BUT

THAT'S OKAY.

I am blessed beyond anything I could imagine, and I want to remind my readers (if they do indeed exist) that I am HaPPPyyy!! And that is why I want to tell you about not getting what you want and why it is perfectly okay.

Alright, rewind (once again) to the summer of 2013. I had been out of high school for a semester, was going to singles ward, was dating a bit, and was having a pretty great summer all in all. Good friends and great memories all around. However, as the summer went on and my dating life was not going anywhere I began to feel a nagging. Why wasn't I seriously dating someone? All of my friends are in serious relationships, why aren't I in one?? Why am I not engaged?? I was obsessed with the idea of being engaged, being married. I was even to the point that I would not even talk to a boy if he wasn't 1. a member and 2. already home from a mission. So, this feeling got even stronger as time went on. The more time I spent single the more time I felt bad about myself. I reached a deep low around the time the fall semester started. I didn't talk about it much if at all but I had become depressed about it. I was always so down on myself for not being where I thought I should be and had a really hard time dealing with it all.

Then I met a person.

A person, a guy. Cute, funny, and LDS. I thought Jackpot! What a cool guy, I could totally get to know this guy. Then I heard the fateful words: "I turned in my mission papers this week!" he announced it in institute one day (If I remember correctly). An automatic switch went off in my head and my previous excitement of having made a new guy friend vanished. I told myself to not even bother talking to him, he was going on a mission and I needed to get married NOW not later. Not in two years. So I tried to do that, I tried to only talk to the other guys in the class, become close to them, but something kept drawing me back to him. He was just so... GOOD. Like so Christ like and so kind. His testimony was so strong and though I had never really taken interest in a guy because of his testimony, I was drawn to him for it. Being around him felt good because he was just so good and was always striving to be better. Aside from his looks and his humor he made me want to be like Christ. We became good friends, we always had good talks about the Gospel and about life. We always had fun when we were together and he always made me laugh. The closer we became the better I felt, I wasn't so worried anymore, I was okay. Now, don't get me wrong there where plenty of tears and heartache about the whole thing (on my part), but it was still okay.

Knowing this person helped me to figure out that it is okay that I am not seriously dating, or engaged. By showing me someone who was in a completely different stage in their life (and who probably didn't even think of me the same in the first place), the Lord told me in a way that I finally understood that it was okay that I wasn't engaged or married. That where I am right now is exactly where he planned for me to be and as long as I continue to work hard and follow him He's gonna take care of the rest.  Knowing this person helped me reconnect with the Lord and how important he is to my happiness rather than how important boys are to my happiness.

So thank you person, for helping me learn and grow by not giving me what I want. Hahaha.

So once again I don't get what I want, but guess what!

That's okay.

Love,

The Cat Lady

And here's a super cute throwback for y'all to enjoy.

 

 

3 cheers to 10 years; my epilepsy story.

Looking back on the last 19 years of my life there are so many great memories. I have had a very full very blessed life that has made me the person I am today, however with all of the good also comes bad. When I was very young I got a series of high fevers and when I was 2 or 3 I had my first seizure followed shortly after by a few more and then a 5 day stay in the hospital. People may think I am crazy but I do remember bits and pieces of early childhood. The strangest little things stick in my mind and maybe they didn't happen but I am convince they are real. Anyways, I remember being in the hospital because I remember my grandma taking me to the play room once when I was feeling better, and being visited by the dogs that come to make the patients feel better. (I know the dog visit was real because I have pictures to prove it!).

 After that visit I didn't have any seizures for about 8 years. Then my brother found me seizing early in the morning while him and I and all our siblings plus a bunch of cousins slept in our grandmas front room. Vance just happened to wake up and find me that way. It was a blessing because I was lying on my back and could've easily choked while laying there. I was very lucky he woke up.

Since I was having a large seizure I don't remember leaving the house. However I did wake up at one point on the drive to the local hospital. I was lying down in the back seat of my grandmas car on my dads lap. I felt sick and SOOO tired. I saw my dad and assumed my mom was driving and then I must have had another seizure or fallen asleep because I don't remember entering the hospital. I do have a lot of memories of that hospital visit. I remember getting an MRI, being in a wheelchair and throwing up. I also remember apple juice being given to me and to this day I don't really like apple juice because I associate it with that hospital visit.

My next visit I remember very well. I remember waking up in the ambulance and being HORRIFIED. I still can't see an ambulance without remembering waking up in the ambulance and thinking "this is a nightmare". That visit was about 2 weeks. I remember being so frustrated because I was having so many seizures. My parents say I was having one every 20 minutes. In almost every seizure I was having I was incontinent (had no control on my bladder) and so I remember how often I had to change my clothes, my sheets, and my underwear. Eventually I did have to wear pullups and I was MORTIFIED by that. I couldn't be left alone, I had seizures whether I was awake or asleep, I had to have help taking a shower or walking places. I was in the 3rd grade and couldn't take care of myself it was horrible and I think that this time in my life was what made me want so badly to be self-dependent. I had so many people to take care of me but I didn't want to be a burden. I felt like that  a lot. I remember more little things about that hospital visit. My 2nd grade teacher and his kids came to visit me and brought me presents. My cheer squad and the football team we cheered for had their team party while I was in the hospital and they called me and yelled all together "get well soon" and "we love you" and other sweet things I was so happy to hear. Then our head football coach and his family (The Whitings who are still some of our closest friends) came and gave me my trophy and a few other things. I also remember my dad taking me to the play room, but most of the things in their were for little kids so we colored in some coloring books and I thought it was so funny. I'm glad I remember the happy parts of my stay because I do still remember the harder parts.

After this visit I had to stay home from school for another 2 weeks. Upon return to school (and for many years after) I had to have meetings with my teacher, the specials teachers, and other adults who would be around me at school to explain to them what it all meant and what they should do. I remember my mom having me explain it all to them and though I was probably not so happy about it at the time I am really glad she put it on me to be responsible for it all because it made me take ownership and made me more mature about what all was going on. The rest of the 3rd grade was a roller coaster. I remember how my medicine made me feel sad or mad, and how it changed my personality. The worst part of it all though was wearing pull-ups to school. It was something that bothered me for years and years afterwards. I didn't want ANYONE to know. It wasn't until a few years ago that I even started telling people about all of the "details" of what a seizure was. I was afraid for so long that people would make fun of me for peeing my pants. It was embarrassing and I was ashamed. But eventually I realized that I needed to stop being so embarrassed and own up to it and embrace it. Heck yeah I have epilepsy and heck yeah I am still awesome. Now I can even make jokes. My very favorite is when people joke and pretend to be having a seizure and I pipe in and say "you know, that is really offensive to me because I have epilepsy" very matter-of-factly. The expression on their face is so PRICELESS. Then I say "I'm totally messing with you, I do have epilepsy but we can totally joke about it". I love feeling confident enough to do that.

One year after my last seizure (9 years ago) my teacher invited all of the kids to come in and have lunch in the classroom with her (that was a cool thing to do back then) she then explained to everyone that it was my one year anniversary and that we were going to celebrate. She brought cookies for the whole class and we all ate lunch together. One year was such a big deal to all of us, we even had a party at my house and a lot of people came to celebrate with me.

I was blessed to have an incredible support system behind me my family, friends, teachers and administrators, my church leaders, my incredible neurologist, the amazing nurses and doctors who took care of me in the hospital and most of all my Heavenly Father. I was blessed throughout my struggles by people the Lord put into my life for obvious reasons.

I don't know what will happen in the future. Since we aren't completely sure of what triggers my seizures we aren't sure if and when they will come back. I can't say that I am completely confident that my seizures won't come back, to be honest when I go to places like lazer tag that have "those with epilepsy should not participate in this activity" warnings, I get a little nervous. However, all of my worries are accompanied by the feeling of readiness. We know what to do now, and we know how to deal with it. I live with the possibility of my seizures everyday but I don't fear them anymore.

If you would like to know more about epilepsy: ASK ME. Or go to: http://www.epilepsy.com/ for more information.

 

Love, The Cat Lady