You can't always have your cake and eat it too. (and that's okay!)

When I was 12 I had the BigGGEEESssstttt crush on a boy, we "dated" (if it can even be called that at age 12-14), and then right before my freshman year we broke up. I was DISTRAUGHT, I was so convinced I was gonna marry him and that I would live happily ever after with this guy. But guess what! I didn't get what I wanted, what I thought would make me happy.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

Fast forward to the tail end of high school. I 1. didn't get into BYU and 2. Didn't get the job with UCA. All that I had wanted and planned for in 3 years of high school slipped through my fingers in an instant. Once again, I didn't get what I wanted, what I thought would make me happy.

BUT

THAT'S OKAY.

I am blessed beyond anything I could imagine, and I want to remind my readers (if they do indeed exist) that I am HaPPPyyy!! And that is why I want to tell you about not getting what you want and why it is perfectly okay.

Alright, rewind (once again) to the summer of 2013. I had been out of high school for a semester, was going to singles ward, was dating a bit, and was having a pretty great summer all in all. Good friends and great memories all around. However, as the summer went on and my dating life was not going anywhere I began to feel a nagging. Why wasn't I seriously dating someone? All of my friends are in serious relationships, why aren't I in one?? Why am I not engaged?? I was obsessed with the idea of being engaged, being married. I was even to the point that I would not even talk to a boy if he wasn't 1. a member and 2. already home from a mission. So, this feeling got even stronger as time went on. The more time I spent single the more time I felt bad about myself. I reached a deep low around the time the fall semester started. I didn't talk about it much if at all but I had become depressed about it. I was always so down on myself for not being where I thought I should be and had a really hard time dealing with it all.

Then I met a person.

A person, a guy. Cute, funny, and LDS. I thought Jackpot! What a cool guy, I could totally get to know this guy. Then I heard the fateful words: "I turned in my mission papers this week!" he announced it in institute one day (If I remember correctly). An automatic switch went off in my head and my previous excitement of having made a new guy friend vanished. I told myself to not even bother talking to him, he was going on a mission and I needed to get married NOW not later. Not in two years. So I tried to do that, I tried to only talk to the other guys in the class, become close to them, but something kept drawing me back to him. He was just so... GOOD. Like so Christ like and so kind. His testimony was so strong and though I had never really taken interest in a guy because of his testimony, I was drawn to him for it. Being around him felt good because he was just so good and was always striving to be better. Aside from his looks and his humor he made me want to be like Christ. We became good friends, we always had good talks about the Gospel and about life. We always had fun when we were together and he always made me laugh. The closer we became the better I felt, I wasn't so worried anymore, I was okay. Now, don't get me wrong there where plenty of tears and heartache about the whole thing (on my part), but it was still okay.

Knowing this person helped me to figure out that it is okay that I am not seriously dating, or engaged. By showing me someone who was in a completely different stage in their life (and who probably didn't even think of me the same in the first place), the Lord told me in a way that I finally understood that it was okay that I wasn't engaged or married. That where I am right now is exactly where he planned for me to be and as long as I continue to work hard and follow him He's gonna take care of the rest.  Knowing this person helped me reconnect with the Lord and how important he is to my happiness rather than how important boys are to my happiness.

So thank you person, for helping me learn and grow by not giving me what I want. Hahaha.

So once again I don't get what I want, but guess what!

That's okay.

Love,

The Cat Lady

And here's a super cute throwback for y'all to enjoy.

 

 

3 cheers to 10 years; my epilepsy story.

Looking back on the last 19 years of my life there are so many great memories. I have had a very full very blessed life that has made me the person I am today, however with all of the good also comes bad. When I was very young I got a series of high fevers and when I was 2 or 3 I had my first seizure followed shortly after by a few more and then a 5 day stay in the hospital. People may think I am crazy but I do remember bits and pieces of early childhood. The strangest little things stick in my mind and maybe they didn't happen but I am convince they are real. Anyways, I remember being in the hospital because I remember my grandma taking me to the play room once when I was feeling better, and being visited by the dogs that come to make the patients feel better. (I know the dog visit was real because I have pictures to prove it!).

 After that visit I didn't have any seizures for about 8 years. Then my brother found me seizing early in the morning while him and I and all our siblings plus a bunch of cousins slept in our grandmas front room. Vance just happened to wake up and find me that way. It was a blessing because I was lying on my back and could've easily choked while laying there. I was very lucky he woke up.

Since I was having a large seizure I don't remember leaving the house. However I did wake up at one point on the drive to the local hospital. I was lying down in the back seat of my grandmas car on my dads lap. I felt sick and SOOO tired. I saw my dad and assumed my mom was driving and then I must have had another seizure or fallen asleep because I don't remember entering the hospital. I do have a lot of memories of that hospital visit. I remember getting an MRI, being in a wheelchair and throwing up. I also remember apple juice being given to me and to this day I don't really like apple juice because I associate it with that hospital visit.

My next visit I remember very well. I remember waking up in the ambulance and being HORRIFIED. I still can't see an ambulance without remembering waking up in the ambulance and thinking "this is a nightmare". That visit was about 2 weeks. I remember being so frustrated because I was having so many seizures. My parents say I was having one every 20 minutes. In almost every seizure I was having I was incontinent (had no control on my bladder) and so I remember how often I had to change my clothes, my sheets, and my underwear. Eventually I did have to wear pullups and I was MORTIFIED by that. I couldn't be left alone, I had seizures whether I was awake or asleep, I had to have help taking a shower or walking places. I was in the 3rd grade and couldn't take care of myself it was horrible and I think that this time in my life was what made me want so badly to be self-dependent. I had so many people to take care of me but I didn't want to be a burden. I felt like that  a lot. I remember more little things about that hospital visit. My 2nd grade teacher and his kids came to visit me and brought me presents. My cheer squad and the football team we cheered for had their team party while I was in the hospital and they called me and yelled all together "get well soon" and "we love you" and other sweet things I was so happy to hear. Then our head football coach and his family (The Whitings who are still some of our closest friends) came and gave me my trophy and a few other things. I also remember my dad taking me to the play room, but most of the things in their were for little kids so we colored in some coloring books and I thought it was so funny. I'm glad I remember the happy parts of my stay because I do still remember the harder parts.

After this visit I had to stay home from school for another 2 weeks. Upon return to school (and for many years after) I had to have meetings with my teacher, the specials teachers, and other adults who would be around me at school to explain to them what it all meant and what they should do. I remember my mom having me explain it all to them and though I was probably not so happy about it at the time I am really glad she put it on me to be responsible for it all because it made me take ownership and made me more mature about what all was going on. The rest of the 3rd grade was a roller coaster. I remember how my medicine made me feel sad or mad, and how it changed my personality. The worst part of it all though was wearing pull-ups to school. It was something that bothered me for years and years afterwards. I didn't want ANYONE to know. It wasn't until a few years ago that I even started telling people about all of the "details" of what a seizure was. I was afraid for so long that people would make fun of me for peeing my pants. It was embarrassing and I was ashamed. But eventually I realized that I needed to stop being so embarrassed and own up to it and embrace it. Heck yeah I have epilepsy and heck yeah I am still awesome. Now I can even make jokes. My very favorite is when people joke and pretend to be having a seizure and I pipe in and say "you know, that is really offensive to me because I have epilepsy" very matter-of-factly. The expression on their face is so PRICELESS. Then I say "I'm totally messing with you, I do have epilepsy but we can totally joke about it". I love feeling confident enough to do that.

One year after my last seizure (9 years ago) my teacher invited all of the kids to come in and have lunch in the classroom with her (that was a cool thing to do back then) she then explained to everyone that it was my one year anniversary and that we were going to celebrate. She brought cookies for the whole class and we all ate lunch together. One year was such a big deal to all of us, we even had a party at my house and a lot of people came to celebrate with me.

I was blessed to have an incredible support system behind me my family, friends, teachers and administrators, my church leaders, my incredible neurologist, the amazing nurses and doctors who took care of me in the hospital and most of all my Heavenly Father. I was blessed throughout my struggles by people the Lord put into my life for obvious reasons.

I don't know what will happen in the future. Since we aren't completely sure of what triggers my seizures we aren't sure if and when they will come back. I can't say that I am completely confident that my seizures won't come back, to be honest when I go to places like lazer tag that have "those with epilepsy should not participate in this activity" warnings, I get a little nervous. However, all of my worries are accompanied by the feeling of readiness. We know what to do now, and we know how to deal with it. I live with the possibility of my seizures everyday but I don't fear them anymore.

If you would like to know more about epilepsy: ASK ME. Or go to: http://www.epilepsy.com/ for more information.

 

Love, The Cat Lady

Fitting Your Life In Boxes

So as I was thinking about my last post (Growing Up is Awkward) I was thinking that I didn't really say all that I wanted to... so after adding more thought to what I meant to say, here I go again, the cat lady writes...

On Monday night I went to walmart and bought a big storage tote (37 gallons to be exact) and I bought it for the specific purpose of storing things that were important to me but that couldn't be taken to my new house (decorations, books, cheer stuff, pictures, etc...) I got home pretty late but decided I wanted to finish up all the packing since the next day was new years eve and I imagined I would be doing fun stuff and wouldn't want to pack (I was wrong). After about an hour of purging all of my stuff I fit everything into this box. On the other side of my room I had a few boxes I was bringing to my new house all ready to be loaded up and taken to my new house. I sat on the floor in the middle of my room and looked at the boxes, had I really just fit all of the things that are important to me, that tell my story and that describe me in a few boxes and bags? I think that moment was the first that I really felt sad about growing up. It seemed so sad that I had fit so many years in so few boxes. I feel like my life has been so full and wonderful but how is it that I fit it all into so little? To be completely honest at first it made me feel like I had very little to show for the last 19 years. But then I started looking at growing up a little differently while I looked at the boxes. The physical things that I fit into boxes aren't the only things that describe my life, they aren't the things that are the most important parts of the last 19 years. My life NOW is what shows what the last 19 years have been about. The way I live now reflect the most important parts of my 19 years not the pictures, decorations, or momentos from then. Growing up isn't about moving out of your parents house or going to college it's about finally figuring out how to take all of the things you learned previously and make yourself become a person that you can respect. It doesn't matter what physical things you have to show for the last 19 or so years because physical things don't determine whether you're an adult or not.

Like I said before, growing up is awkward. It's uncomfortable and makes the first 19 years of your life seem so strange because EVERYTHING CHANGES, and a lot of the things you learned about "life" before now do not apply when it really comes down to it. But, the shift makes sense once you think about how you fit everything in boxes and how just like that you are fitting 19 years of life in your new self. You are reflecting your previous life through your new grown up life. So, if you are not at the grown up stage yet, make sure these first 19 years or so are awesome but that they are also what you want to later reflect, you don't want your life to be like a bad facebook picture, popping up years later and embarrassing you. And if you are in the awkward growing up stage, relax, take a deep breath, and let yourself be a grown up even if that means letting your old self slip away just a tiny bit.

Life is a lot different now, but I had a good first 19 years and I hope because of the decisions I made then, I will be able to make even better ones now.

Tata,

The Cat Lady

Growing Up is Awkward

Have you ever been in that place in your life when you're like too old to be a kid but yet too young to be an adult??? That's kind of where I am right now I think. I like to call it awkward.

When a girl is age 11-13 those are considered the awkward years right? Nothing fits right, you start caring about boys, you have to deal with those lady problems all coming at you at once and on top of all that you have these CRAZYYYY hormones that make you HATE everyone but LOVE them at the same time and it is so awkward. I remember being bothered by my own awkwardness. It was seriously such a big deal to me but now that I am 19 and I am pretty comfortable with myself the awkwardness is coming in different waves now... For example, I live with my parents which really isn't a big deal but maybe it is?? Do people think less of me cause I live with my mommy?? OR maybe people think its immature?? I know in reality people probably don't care but like hello that is a HUGE decision, (which I made and I am moving out holla at me). Another one?? My friends are starting to get into real relationships like ADULT relationships where they are getting engaged to BE MARRIED. And I am literally sitting here like uh hello you guys wanna go to the mall this weekend?? Oh, you have a date right okay and then I just watch Netflix on my moms couch or in my bed all weekend.

Okay so yeah it's awkward. I have a lot of decisions to make but I feel like I have absolutely no right to make any of the decisions for myself. I'm on the border of wanting all my independence all the time but still wanting my mom to take me to the doctor when I am sick, does that make sense? Or am I the only awkward Young Adult??

Well, you'll be happy to know that I have made some grown up decisions recently. I bought a car, I have 2 serious jobs, I am going to school full time, annnnnd I am moving into my own place THIS week. Are you proud of me? I thought so.

Have a great weekend people who read my blog (if you exist). I love you all.

Love,

The Cat Lady.

A rock and a hard place...

Finding ones dream job usually takes a lot of going to school, job experience, and years of working other not so great jobs in order to score the dream job. So, what does someone do for all of those years if she has already gotten her dream job?

That's where I am at right now.

I'm 19, in my freshman year of college, fresh out of high school and already working my dream job... so what next? Why does it feel like my life still hasn't started? Why am I still waiting for what is gonna happen next?

I obviously can give a lot of the credit to still living with my parents and not being out on my own because even though I do have a large amount of independence I still find myself wishing that I didn't live here. I am constantly looking to find a place to move to, a car to buy (so that I am not dependent on my parents car they gave me), and ways to make extra income (aside from my 2 jobs) but why? Why is it so important to get out of my parents house when I am so happy? Does this antsy feeling happen to everyone my age??

But I digress, I am happy with my life. I am blessed to have my dream job and I am blessed to live in a comfortable home with my family. Maybe I am antsy to leave but maybe that's because amazing things are in store.

Stay Tuned for my next big move.

The Cat Lady...

I'm not bitter but...

So here is the big reveal....

but first let me tell you a little background info (even though no one reads this, I wouldn't want anyone to be confused).

Ever since I was 8 years old I have been a cheerleader. I love love love it. It's my total fave. For a few years (middle school) I stopped cheering, but when my friends convinced me to tryout for the high school squad at the end of my 8th grade year I became hooked again. I did high school cheer for 3 years and now I am in my second year of all-star (competitive) cheer. I was the TOTAL cliché. Cheer captain, blonde, blue eyes etc etc... I even dated the quarter back for awhile. I know, I know... is this really the cat lady talking? yes, that's me. Not what you were expecting? Well keep in mind I said I WAS dating him, past tense. But I digress.

Anyways, around my sophomore year I began my longing to attend BYU (Provo) so that I could study exercise science and wellness, cheer on their National Champion squad, and just be a cool pretty BYU Cougar. So I worked hard, extra-curriculars, honors classes, good letters of recommendation, volunteer work, varsity sports (yes plural, I was a varsity runner on the track team), etc... etc... And for the one semester of my senior year (I graduated a semester early), I worked on that application EVERY DAY during my independent study. My mom reviewed it, my teachers reviewed it, and so on. I had an interview with the stake president and my bishop and felt so strongly that I was MEANT to be there. Prior to my senior semester, I had gone to a BYU cheer camp on campus for 4 days and was in HEAVEN I belonged there.... to be continued.

Another dream I had all through high school was to be a UCA Cheerleading staff member. Which is basically a cheerleaders dream job. You literally just get to travel and teach cheerleading to people who love it just as much as you do. And YOU GET PAID, IT'S A JOB!!! I was always told by coaches, choreographers, and other staff members that I would get in so easy and I was so excited. I worked hard to have all of my tumbling, jumps, stunting, cheers and dances ready for my tryout, and had a great tryout! I felt absolutely amazing about how everything went and I got great feedback from the judges.... to be continued.

So here's the part you were all waiting for you. "TO BE CONTINUED"... my letters from both BYU and UCA read (basically) as follows.

Dear Marly,

We are sorry to inform you that you have not been chosen to join our program at this time. We encourage you to reapply in the following years.

Sincerely,
Us

However.... I read it like this.

Dear whoever you are,

Why did you even try? Did you really think any of this was gonna pan out? Like honestly what were you thinking??

Sincerely,
your broken dreams and lost ambitions.

Okay so that sounds a little harsh but honestly getting both of those rejection letters killed me. I took it like a champ and kept moving forward with my life but I really did experience a deep depression about it, especially BYU. I had to redo all of my plans for this fall, where should I go to school? Where do I work? Should I move out? Should I leave AZ? What now?? And for awhile I just tried to not think of any of it. I had other things to think about at that time that were important right then. So I just figured it would all pan out.

I don't want you to think I am still in some awful downward spiral of depression, don't worry I'm stable! Yes, it hurts that nothing I was planning on doing actually happened, it's upsetting that I don't get to move on to the things I told EVERYONE I was gonna do. BUT I AM OKAY, and getting better. Although it doesn't help that every cute boy I meet is going up to BYU this fall. Hmmph.

I sincerely believe that there is a reason that I was made to stay here in AZ, that I was meant to be here for some reason. So I am gonna go with the flow and see where the wind blows me. I have plans for the fall semester and winter semester and when I get to that point I will see where I need to be.

Maybe I'll be doing something awesome and know I should stay here, or maybe I will feel like I should reapply to BYU and go there, maybe (this is a big maybe) I'll get married.

Cross your fingers for me.

Love, the Cat Lady.

It's been awhile...

Okay blog, HI, it's me the Cat Lady. I know we haven't spoken in awhile but I'm here. What's up? I think that I don't write on my blog because people don't actually follow me or anything. I am thinking about cheating on you and opening a tumblr account because I could probably have more followers on there. Who knows though so here I am writing on you. Hmmph. Well, this post is really just to say that a lot has changed, but DON'T YOU WORRY, I'm still the same old cat lady I was last time I posted. BUT I did dye (aka bleach) my hair back to it's former glory. I refuse to accept that it is turning brown like the rest of my family. Oh, and I finished high school. So I'm a grown up now I guess. Hmmmm, weird. Okay, I will post something real next, I promise!

Love,
The Cat Lady.